Time is crawling by.
11:00 PM - Posted by Amber - 0 comments
There are gasps of words like 'how' caught in my throat as I twist away from the vice the nightmares have held me in throughout the night. It always takes a moment, to blink and to breathe and to feel alive and to feel alone once again. For every suffocating imagine there is a tear to clear away the facade, and words of 'why' and 'how' are replaced with thoughts of 'when' to introduce a rebirth of hope. Time is a vortex, moments bring me closer and eternally further. Yet it is the moments that bring me closer to you that are the ones that count.


7:10 AM - Posted by Amber - 0 comments
We were right, and I was so wrong in thinking otherwise.


9:56 PM - Posted by Amber - 0 comments
I'm wringing my hands nervously, waiting in line. All the things I had pieced together in my little world of dreams have suddenly come together, but in a way that twists reality and takes away the purpose of those dreams,
the dreams that I long left in the dust.
I know I don't feel anything anymore. Something shifted in me that day that ceased all the weed-like emotions that had infested my being from continuing to grow.
I had lost the sight of the lesson I had learnt years ago, a love that had marked my soul so deeply that I would never emerge as the same person again. Anything that made me lose sight of that would not last, in reality or in my memory.
Yes I am anxious. But I also knew to trust myself to not put my confidence in a situation where it could be damaged. I am not intimidated, and my dignity walks proudly beside me, because the hits that it took reminded it that it was human, and strong.
If you want to face me then I will face you, but you best not be expecting anything, because I am stronger than you have ever seen me, than you ever left me.


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7:04 PM - Posted by Amber - 0 comments
If I stand outside and close my eyes
the glare of the lights turns to a soft glow
This is my despair and my depression
pouring around me,
about me,
on me
With nothing to live for, fight for,
die for
breathing doesn't come with victory nor gain.
The dream is to rest my eyes
my soul
A bed is made for me in the water
and the tree will welcome me,
and the rain will lull this aching humanity
no more burden on this earth, for this mother or this soul.
Sweet wind, ease this blindness into peaceful slumber
so that I may never waken from my dreams.


8:40 PM - Posted by Amber - 0 comments
The blink of an eye consumed me into a blinding light rather than disabling darkness.
I learnt of the beauty of moments lost in the night, of lilting notes of music taking on new, powerful meanings that would forever haunt the chasm of my mind.
Within me burnt a beautiful knowledge of 'always', a wondrous understanding of 'forever'. Key words in my mind and my existence, they would walk side by side with me towards whatever may come.
My memories grew to accommodate recollections I sometimes had difficulties believing were mine, would always be mine and ours, for as long as you would want them. Yet in the end, it was I who took them, unwilling only because of my misunderstanding of the power they held, the sway they put on my sight.
In the blink of an eye, I loved.


5:59 PM - Posted by Amber - 0 comments

The cold autumn is deep in this years cycle now, it drives out all warmth and mundane green from the landscape. I trudge briskly and thoughtfully among the street, careful to watch who goes by lest they hear my thoughts. Oh, these precious thoughts that I have kept as close to me as I could, once upon a time only daring to look upon them during the peace of night. Peaceful thoughts need peaceful domains, yet sometimes they bleed into my mind during the daze I encounter in the sunlight.

My ideas and my hopes are one. My will is my future for I know what I want, and whom. My will, my future, my wants. Two months previous, I learned to understand how not only to accept the course before me, but that Fate herself would never stray me from Her path without meaning. So now I knew. So now I waited.

I ascended the stairs that led me to my dreams and another form of peace. The blessing of ensuring my desires corresponded to my location was one I was thankful for by the day, by the hour. When I had finally let the peace permeate my body, I accepted the beauty of the land I had so craved which I had finally been given.

Yet although peace warmed me, it never restrained my thoughts. Indeed, it kept a firm grasp on my desires, my concerns, and my future, yet my thoughts were my constant companions, as well as my constant reminders. Always, almost in an act of defiance that I only meant as impatience, I whispered to the wind that so cozily wound its way around me:
'When?'

Never would it answer, although it always guided me, as it always had and always would. Like a mute friend, it now led me on, past the manifestations time took as it materialised seconds in my mind like walls I would never be able to scale unless I was dreaming.

Onward I pressed, into the gateway the oaken doors provided, within the building that symbolised so many pieces of my heart. My present and indeed, my future were entwined within this place and my duties. It was the cushioning between my thoughts and the tangible world.

Except, somehow today there was no barrier.

I didn't understand. How could my Fate be permeating my mind, and my logic? It dazed me, shortened my breath as if there was cotton in my lungs yet in the most pleasant sense, as if I was learning I no longer needed to breathe.

In my daze, my senses were muted. It was as if I was in the most subtle of dreams, or the most powerful of fantasies. Nothing was solid, nothing existed beyond my purpose, my Fate.

And then, suddenly! The barrier between this netherworld and the tangible one was broken with one word. My name, called from behind me. This was a surprise, for even in states such as the one I had just been subject to I am well aware of my identity in the plane where I live and breathe and work and exist in all tangible senses of the word. My name is not something I could imagine forgetting nor something powerful enough to break through the reality I had previously been experiencing.

I turned to face what I had been confronted with, and my surprise disappeared. It was power before my eyes because I had given power over to such a manifestation, over to so many thoughts and understandings, compromises I had proposed and never needed, faith and hope I should have always entrusted to Fate. My poor mind, would it ever learn?

As my eyes filled with visions more glorious than sight, I knew more than peace, more than I could imagine, more and more than I had been promised.

More than my thoughts, forever blinded and silenced within this new light, could have ever imagined.


5:51 PM - Posted by Amber - 0 comments
Blowing kisses on the wind, I am the wind and the notes set me free, set me free from my heart and my mind and my mind my mind my mind is one lilting sound to the next with a note here a note here a note there and all I am is sound, strong soft sounds that go faster faster into my mind that doesn't exist and my heart that couldn't possibly exist but it is everything it encompasses everything as pliable as the wind as strong as the notes, and I am free in wind and happiness and my memories are the reality the ecstasy the love I have always felt always known always wanted, and this is forever, this is always and these words and these sounds are FREEDOM unlike any I could have ever known existed or ever listened to or ever wanted.